Friday Jan 1, 2009

when everyone is wishing u happy new year, u're supposed to be happy to embrace the coming of beginning of new year and wt all the gud wishes, u're ready to take up all the challenges that may come in ur way in conquering the world but that didnt happen to the three of us that day instead, i spent the eve of the last day of 2008 in tears

15 nov 08

my gp confirmed me that i was preggy, 5 wks actually we were so jubilant that umar will finally get his lil bro/sis

31 dec 08

i had a terrible tummy pain, followed by some blood and i didnt feel gud abt it yet, i kept it quiet prayin' that 2morrow it'll be ok

1 jan 09

the same gp finally broke the news to us, i was at the verge of threaten abortion n the scan ws done twice since he wanted to be sure abt it.. finally, he referred us the the specialist, Dr Chandra i wz already in tears in the car when he suddenly said to " kita redha atas segala yg berlaku, mungkin bukan rezeki kita" his voice was shaky, but i knew that he wanted to be strong for us.. when we arrived at the clinic, Dr Chandra was away, n the nurses told us to come again after 2pm, he took me for lunch, knowin' that i needed sometimes to clear my mind, and we didnt talk abt the baby that we may lost, instead we talked abt buyin' new laser printer for my office, paintin' the office walls in pastel blue

we arrived back at the clinic around 2.30pm, and we were straight called to see him. Dr Chandra was a very good O&G, in fact he distracted my mind by talking abt food (he knew my condition of havin HBP at a very tender age) when he scanned my tummy, he looked straight into my eyes, and asked me to be patient, even from the look from his eyes i already knew the answer n i quickly searched for my hubby's face asking for re-assurance that the answer that Dr Chandra will give be all lies that " ur baby has died, & we've got to take it out ASAP" & "ur baby is so small, in fact its development is so slow that if we were to compare wt a normal 3 mnth fetus, urs more likely that it was only few weeks" Ya Allah, berat sungguh ujian yg Kau berikan! we discussed abt for abt 1/2 hr, wt him tellin me that it is not ur fault that this thing happened, its a natural way for the body to eliminate things n he set up the appt for me, the next morning at 8 am telling me again to have a gud nite sleep and to fast for at least 8 hrs

back at home, i was totally in tears everytime i look at umar, i just cant stop crying that nite, we talked from heart to heart but the only thing that gave me strength when he said " anak dunia kita dah ada, anak akhirat pun kita dah ada nnt di akhirat, adik (the pet name that we gave to our late baby) akan tunggu kita, & insyaAllah, adik akan tarik kita ke syurga" I cried, n cried till i couldnt cry anymore that nite, he wrapped me in his arms, petting & kissing my head til i felt asleep...

part of me has gone for gud

2 jan, 09

it was friday and people always say that those who die on friday, will straight go to heaven probably same goes to adik (insyaAllah) the process was not that long , the agony of waiting, the tots that part of me has gone...

it was supposed to be a 5-mins process, but mine was a bit long since it was stucked & in pieces once it was over, Dr Chandra showed me the piece that got stucked & it was covered wt flesh n probably my eyes were playing tricks on me, i saw a whittish baby bone covered wt flesh

there u go..my story for 2009 as for now, i am resting at home wt alice by my side while my hubby will start going to office this monday, tryin' to explain things to our beloved colleagues (since i dare not do so) thank u to those who called (angah & nurzea) and thank u also for sharing some experiences, all the word of strength...